13 or so moons ago, a force inspired a once friend to assassinate my character on the internet, anonymously littering seeds of fear, doubt, hatred n low vibration around my garden. how could I pick up every seed, many unseen? to protect my tiny forest, I allowed the weeds to grow with the wheat so neither would be uprooted until harvest. here I am over a year later, sitting before my portals of creation, with an unraveling understanding of the gravity of this venom. n the only reason i've discovered the anti-venom is bc my own cellular intelligence manifested anti-bodies out of its own need to survive.
i've had to dose myself. self-heal in deeper ways.
feels like the weirdest time to be alive. a time where who we believe each other to be, is first through the black mirror of algorithms, promo, click bait.... souls, just swimming, trending, observing.
recognition.. desired, deserved, undiscerned.
black hues. I appreciate them so much bc of this shadow work.
dark moon. I look fwd to them not so much bc i'm at the whim of the cosmic tides.
truth be told i had fallen out of love with my creativity for the first time of my life this year. it was a new feeling. I think that's ultimately what she wanted. my creative energy was defiled, dipped in illusion.. it just takes a single drop of toxicity to contaminate an entire psyche. the kinda poison where u can actively feel someone hating you. the disruption eventually numbed me, and my intolerance expanded.
scorpio season is here.. tilling that soil... it takes sweat, tears, surrender. . .
maybe only God understands what I went through offline. that's fine.
cuz see I feel so loved again. i'm not boasting about it. but love does something to u, that nothing else in the world can.
love makes everything right. everything. everything everything. bc when love is there, you know that it is true. it is compassionate. it is unconditional. patient. strong.
I had conditioned myself for so many years as a young girl that I was unworthy. I nurtured these false beliefs in my journals, and it seeped out in my art. it's crazy how when a wound is triggered, you turn into the same age that you were when you first experienced that trauma. sometimes even pain is comforting bc of its familiarity. until u don't got the time anymore.. to hold space for nonsense.
I turned from pain. I transmuted love.
because when we heal ourselves, we heal each other. been reinventing how to be in my body again. what it means to set boundaries. to be a student of music. to let The Creator direct my soul.. to see what love sees, thas all that interests me these days. u can only love another insofar as you have learned to love yourself. i'm studying myself. bared truth. bearing nothing but truth.
I forgive myself for believing a lie that was not my own.
I am vulnerable to the power of love.
I reclaim my infinite being, my soul river of plasma, my abstractness.
I surrender the need to be understood, liked and approved.
As I find new balance, the path before me is made new for future generations.
I will never accept poison again.
I will never deny my power again.
I will never deny love again.